My Quest for God…
One of the beatitudes reads, “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.” Certainly purity of heart is a condition for having this vision. For if purity of heart means that we are in the right and proper relationship with ourselves, with our neighbor and with God, then, it means that we are observing the great commandments, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your strength, with all your mind and with all your soul and your neighbor as yourself.”
My Beatific Vision…
Laying my new bag of pot on the table, I sat down on my sofa and loaded my pot pipe; just two more unemployment checks and I would be dead.
This time I’d buy a 38-caliber pistol, no more pills, I would shoot myself in the head, and my life would really end this time.
I lit my pot pipe and kicked back to enjoy the “high.” I started thinking about why I was going to kill myself after only 37 years of life. I believed that I was not killing myself because I hated myself, or because I had given up everything I had ever loved, trying to find God and failing. I decided that I was going to kill myself because I wanted to know if there is really life after death. I didn't even care if I was sent to hell for all of my many sins; in fact, I felt that I had tried my best to find God. I had to know if life really is Eternal or not; and if my one mystical experience I had after two years of searching for God was true or not; It told me life is Eternal. That one mystical experience convinced me that there really was something in this Universe that is Mystical, Holy, Sacred and Eternal.
I laid my pipe on the coffee table and walked into the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and told myself that I loved me. All of a sudden I felt that the reflection in the mirror was the real me. I became very confused and then I felt like I had left my body and was my reflected image traveling at a fast rate of speed, like the speed of light toward a very faraway bright sun like light. Along the way I saw human like figures (beautiful women) some of whom I talk to friendly. I thought that they were trying to stop me from going to the light. I didn't stop; I kept traveling toward the light. The bright light engulfed me.
Then I found myself back in my bathroom, and communicating with another being by telepathy, the voice told me that this was just a simulation of my bathroom, and I needed to go into my living room to meet the person who was communicating with me. (I had the feeling that person was God.) I opened the bathroom door and entered the living room of my studio apartment; I knew that my front door of my apartment was locked; so I didn't know how someone or something could have entered, (I forgot that I was in a simulation.) I turned and saw my double sitting on my sofa, I was amazed; we were communicating all this time telepathically, then I said, the word ‘Me” out loud, I walked over to my double to touch it; to see if it was real, and I was immersed in it, we became one being. I began to ask questions about what had just happened, we were one, but, still communicating by telepathy. My double had an answer for every question that I asked, even before I could finish asking the question.
It was amazing; everything that I had ever wanted to know or wondered about, I now received an answer for. I have no idea how long this lasted. I then became aware that I was being given a choice, I could walk out of what was the front door of my apartment and never have to return to the Earth and its pain and suffering; or I could return to the bathroom through that door, and return to Earth. I started toward the front door, but stopped when I heard the voice of my oldest daughter calling me. Then I remember giving her my word, that if I survived my quest for God, I would return to her. I turned and went back into the bathroom, looked once again into the mirror and found myself speeding away from the light; past the beautiful women I had seen earlier. And found myself back in my real apartment bathroom. Entered my living room, the sofa was empty this time, so I set down to think about what had just happened to me.
That was my “Beatific Vision” … My coming face to face with my God!
12:34 P. M. May 6, 1978
12:34 P. M. May 6, 1978